My “tag line” as a coach is that I help library leaders confidently manage change and conflict, so that you can feel better about going to work.

I know what I mean by that, but a few conversations recently have left me wondering:

What does that mean to you?

I had a conversation recently with Kaetrena Davis Kendrick, who raised the question of how we respond when someone is confidently leading in a way that does harm.

I didn't have a good answer at the time, because I attribute so much of the harm I've seen to people compensating for insecurities.

At this point, maybe it's helpful to know a little more about me, to understand where I'm coming from.

I grew up fairly poor – not the poorest of the poor, but often dressed in noticeably second-hand and off-brand clothes. We moved almost every year through elementary school, as my dad chased the rear line of white flight, moving in as soon as the rents dropped and before school quality declined. I knew I was a nerdy girl, which was bad enough. Now I know that I was also undiagnosed autistic, which is a whole extra layer.

Let's just say that those were some rough years. Constantly being the new kid AND a four-eyed nerdy girl? I developed some THICK skin.

I learned early on that you never let anyone see you cry. No matter what awful things they say, it'll only get worse when the bullies figure out which button gets the results they're looking for.

And I still remember the first time I fell in love.

He was a junior in high school, and I was a sophomore. We had been “going out” for a couple of months, when his parents informed him that they'd be moving over the summer, so he'd have to change schools for his senior year.

We were in his bedroom (with the door open, of course!), talking about that, and he actually started crying right in front of me.

And I was amazed at the strength I saw in his ability to cry in front of another person.

That was the day I fell in love with him.

For as long as I can remember, I've been able to wear the mask of outward “confidence” as a defense against bullies. I can perform assertively stating my position and acting like I don't care what anyone else thinks.

But that's not coming from a place of secure confidence. It's a defense mechanism.

So when I see a leader who always seems to have an answer for everything, and who never asks for input from their team members, I don't see strength or confidence.

I see a mask.

I've worked with several coaching clients who feel like they need to build their confidence because they don't operate that way. Because they don't feel like they can make a great decision on their own. Because they know they don't know everything.

And sure, they may still have some insecurities to work through, but knowing that you need to trust and listen to your team IS a sign of real confidence.

Being willing to change your opinion or your plans when you learn new information IS a sign of being a confident leader.

Being willing and able to openly own your mistakes and make a genuine apology IS a sign of being a confident leader.

It takes strength and confidence to be vulnerable.

One of the things that I love about Lead With Curiosity, and a coaching approach more generally, is that it provides a framework that gives you permission to ask questions and listen, instead of jumping to respond with your own solution to everything. Being able to say “I'm using this established leadership style” can help you feel more confident in taking off that mask of having an answer for everything on your own.

When I work with 1:1 coaching clients, we work on getting in touch with the values that matter most to you, and questioning what's getting in the way of putting those values into practice at work. That includes questioning some of the performances that people associate with projecting confidence, which are tied to outdated ideas about what it means to be an effective leader, and which get in the way of confidently leading with your values as your guides.

I firmly believe that most people do not actively want to do harm. Of course there are some big name exceptions out there, but I refuse to believe they're more than a really loud minority.

We just have all of these narratives that we're trying to live up to and sensitive spots that we're trying to protect.

My vision of a confident leader is someone who is doing / has done the work to heal those sensitive spots and is willing to center their values instead of following someone else's narrative.

Of course, that's assuming their values include not being a villain!

The people I support are the ones who value stuff like real collaboration, empowering others, inclusivity, integrity, and kindness.

Acting in alignment with those sorts of values means actively working to avoid doing harm, and having the confidence to repair harm when it happens.

I'd love to hear how this lands for you.

How does this perspective fit or contradict or reframe your ideas about what it means to be a confident leader?

*To be clear, I leave the work of healing those sensitive spots to licensed therapists. Coaching and therapy are different specializations. I'm here to help you move forward in centering your values in the way you work with your team, in conjunction with or after your healing journey!