My regular every-two-weeks schedule says that I should be sending out a newsletter today, but this Thursday is Thanksgiving in the US. When I worked as a librarian in the US, I was either out-of-office or just mentally checked out for this whole week!

So I'm "officially" skipping this week. I’ll be back next week with my regular content focused on applying a coaching approach to leading your team.

But, I don't want to leave you hanging if you are paying attention!

This week, my mind is on how these coaching skills transfer beyond work. With winter holidays coming up, I'm thinking about navigating the sticky conversations that often come up at holiday gatherings.

The core skills for coaching your team are:

• Asking authentically curious, non-judgmental questions
• Actively listening to understand others’ perspectives

There’s a lot more that goes into effectively coaching your team. But when I think about boiling this approach down to the most basic level, it really is all about embracing your curiosity.

Actively listening to understand does NOT mean agreeing or validating their perspective. It just means being curious about what it is that makes them think the way they do.

I usually focus on the ways that habit can affect your team dynamics.

But those are transferrable skills that you can use in all areas of your life.

Listening to understand is important because it’s really easy to talk past one another when controversial topics come up. My brother wants to do away with ObamaCare, while I want to protect the ACA. And then we find out AFTER the election that he didn’t realize that ObamaCare is just another name some people use for the ACA, which he also relies on.

(Search FAFO on TikTok for tons of stories like this.)

Also, think about how you dismantled any of the problematic opinions you once held. Maybe it was triggered by encountering some fact that didn’t fit, but that alone is rarely enough. I had to really sit with myself for a while and think through what it was that made me think this way.

By asking those questions and actively listening to understand their responses, and then asking more questions based on that understanding, you’re helping them think through their rationale.

Of course there are no magic wands - this isn’t going to magically turn your MAGA uncle into a socialist!

But shifting YOUR mindset - from trying to convince him to see your side to occupying this different role in the conversation - can protect your peace when you find yourself in these situations.

And sometimes it does plant a seed that grows into a kinder, more inclusive worldview.

I’m not going to pretend that this is easy. It can be incredibly difficult!

There are a lot of other factors to take into consideration. Many people in the US are opting to skip family gatherings altogether this year and cut ties with family members who voted against their rights in this last election. I went no contact with certain relatives decades ago to protect my mental health. So I fully understand that perspective.

But if you are choosing to maintain those relationships, then this can be a strategy to help make those conversations a little better.

This approach is similar to one of the non-confrontational strategies shared in a lot of bystander trainings. When you hear someone say something racist or sexist or transphobic or whatever, you can intervene by just asking a question:

• I don’t get that joke. Can you explain it to me?
• What did you mean by that?
• What made you think that was an appropriate thing to say here?

A key difference is that an intervention focuses on diffusing a hostile situation, instead of opening an extended conversation. Some of the questions are more open and phrased in non-judgmental ways. But that last example clearly conveys some implicit judgment that what they said was inappropriate.

In a bystander moment, that can lead to reactions that feel really rewarding to shut down that line of behavior. And if that’s what you need to do in the moment, I won’t judge!

These are two different strategies that use questions to lead to different outcomes. There is some overlap, but it's important to be clear on what your goal is - to shut down harmful behavior or to have a better conversation. That will determine how careful you need to be in how you phrase your questions.

Happy Turkey Day 🦃 to those who celebrate, and have a wonderful week either way!

I’ll be back to talking about managerial coaching next week!